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constructive negativity

March 29, 2010

I mostly feel motivated to write over agony and frustration.  I’m kind of pro-negativity, philosophically speaking.  I’ve known many people over the years who preach about being positive, in this very blanket or generic kind of way, but are ultimately just as fucked-up and negative as everyone else, usually more.  There are of course, those who have a good perspective on life, and are generally more helpful and less judgmental about my negativity.  I actually do work towards having a better attitude.  I work hard. I’ve spent years doing all kinds of things to help make it through and my positive actions have always benefited me more then any pretense of having a favorable disposition.  The advantage about embracing ones own gloomy perspective is that when one does so with a degree of self-compassion, then there is a chance for some of that despair to either fall off, or shift into a useful place.

That being said, I had a great weekend.  Friday night, after finishing up the amazing book class taught by Victor Sira at ICP, I had an opportunity to go to a feminist discussion group organized by 2 Swedish artists studying with the Whitney Independent Study Program ( Firstly, the best thing about the night is I was invited by an artist and teacher, Moyra Davey, who is an enormous inspiration. The host for the night was Amy Scholder from The Feminist Press.  She’s a savvy, friendly woman and focused the discussion on book ideas. ( There were many topics covered, but one that stood out was a discussion about making and writing art books, and books about class and gender concerns, that are more accessible in the writing and less academic.  The fact that I’m far from being the only person with complicated feeling about academia was relieving.  Also, throughout the discussion I remembered many people I know who have book ideas or embody book ideas I would like to develop.  The book class I had just finished earlier that day really changed my life, in terms of how I look and organize my pictures and I’ve already been flooded with ideas for photography books.  But now I am realize the opportunity to develop my writing and help others who are good writer and artists to make books.

Late Friday I went to my friend Dillon’s epic show ( Saturday I did laundry and got a tattoo finished that I’ve been worried about.  I was afraid I had made a mistake on the entire inside of my left forearm.  It looks fucking ill…It’s great.  I couldn’t be happier.  I was so crazy about that I kind of gave the guy a hard time on our first session.  And it’s so rad.  I feel like a dick.  It’s really nice tattoo.  Again, another lesson in learning to relax and trust the process.  Yoga always helps with that, but instead of going I went and ate pancakes and chicken at PIes and Thighs that just re-opened near my apartment.  Late Saturday I hung out late with my great friend Soraya, and talked about books and life.  Then Sunday morning I layed in bed with André and we kind of spontaneously started listing a few things we were grateful for.  I wanted to spend a little more time with him before he went to work, and plus I was hungry.  I guess we could have practiced yoga together.  We talk about it.  Maybe one day it will happen.  In the meantime, I’m grateful for the time I have with him and with other people who I love.  When I’m stressed out I forget about all the extraordinary relationship with human beings I have experienced and I’m grateful that I remain open in spite of being out of my mind with despair sometimes.

André and I are going to San Diego soon to visit my parents and friends.  I’m so excited to see them.  It’s been over a year. It’s cold and  raining in New York again, so I will be glad to get a break from that too. My friend Michelle is staying with the animals and is so excited to do it.  Her and our classmate Sayaka are going to make videos and photos here while we are gone…using the animals too.  I can’t wait to see what they do with the creatures and the space.

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