The grey parts
As usual I have gathered my thoughts for a few days before being able to write. I’ve thought a lot about this funny conversation I heard between two guys when I was walking Nova the other day. There was three of them total, and they were standing around talking shit. As I walked by I hear one guy say, “Yo, check it, I had two wives at the same time and they both knew about each other.” His friend replied, “Man, you can’t do that!” It kept a smile on my face for about 2 or 3 blocks. In one way of looking at it; for one guy it wasn’t black or white, one way or the other, two wives are fine. They other guy knows how difficult it is to manage one significant relationship. Of course I’m speculating. I don’t know why he really said that. I should have lurked to peep in on more of the conversation. The bottom line is everyone has to make their own decisions and certain things put others into perspective. Like when the unacceptable happens.
The fact is mostly what has been on my mind are Chemotherapy options. At Bellvue there is heavy chemo and chemo light. Heavy chemo takes 4 months and is what is recommended, bring my chances of developing a new tumor somewhere else in the next few years from 33 % to 15 %. With Chemo light you go 6 to 8 months and my chances of a re-occurrence is 21 %, or 22 %. The oncologist is cool but very much against anything non-conventional. I have to pick something, but I don’t want either one. After having surgery and as I’ve been recovering, not to mention the drama of breaking my arm last fall, I feel like I’m in a big medicine machine and god knows what I’ll look like when I’m spit out. Some people come back fine, some don’t. How does one live in the grey area? And in many things in life. Another way of looking at it is things like this; perhaps even most things don’t really make sense at the time. It’s only after absorbing, processing and spending some time with the situation, that what is right for one begins to make sense. And then through a glass darkly. One will never know until later, for sure, what is going to happen. With anything except the facts that one day you’ll die and your life will affect others whether you like it or not. I’m taking a little time to weigh out my options, I want my body to get stronger too before jumping into a ring with Chemotherapy. I can just see it, “Chemotherapy in the ring on the right corner and Ame Curtiss on the left.” Or, however they talk about a boxing match, I can’t remember.
I’ve started reading Joan Didion’s book, “The Year of Magical Thinking.” I finally finished “Slouching towards Bethlehem and have as usual read been dipping into other books. But with Didion’s writing, something feels incredibly appropriate. I have a lot of preparing to do, For what quite, I’m not sure it, I just want my ducks in a row as much as possible before getting in the ring.